HOME!!!

I am back in Michigan!!!
I made it safe and sound, with little problem!
Thanks everyone, for your prayers and thoughts over the last four months as I was serving Him in Nicaragua!!!

A Time to be Thankful

Well, it's been about a month since I've updated, so I thought that it was time! :)

I can hardly believe that I have less than a month here! I'm not counting down the time until I leave, but instead, the time until my parents arrive!! They'll be here on December 14, and I can hardly wait! I can honestly say that the past month has gone really fast. I've been staying pretty busy, especially the past few weekends, which really helps the time to go by fast.

My time at the school has also been going well. I am constantly frustrated with the language barrier, and try really hard to learn more, but it's so challenging. I'm basically learning by ear, which I don't do too well with. I understand quite a bit of what's being said, but talking to people is incredibly hard for me. I think that, if I was staying here longer, I would want to be in consistent Spanish classes so that I could continue to learn how to put sentences together better. I'm getting by just fine with what I know, but it's frustrating all the same.

The kids are so precious. Their smiles are contagious. I only have 2 full school weeks with them before their Christmas parties, and then I go home. I can honestly say that I have learned a lot, because special education is so much different here than it is in the States. Special Education, the way that it is in the States, is a blessing for sure! It's easy to complain about problems in a system that you're used to, but I don't feel like I have a right to complain about it anymore. It's a blessing to these kids that they get any kind of education at all. There are so many 'regular education' kids that don't get the opportunity to go to school, or want to go to school, so the fact that these kids have a place where their disabilities are addressed is amazing. So, in the spirit of the season, be thankful for school--even though it's hard sometimes! :)

Speaking of being thankful, this was my first Thanksgiving away from home, and I thought it would be a lot harder than it was. It was weird talking to my family about their plans, knowing that I wasn't included in them. But, I am so blessed that I have so many Americans around me that I could celebrate Thanksgiving with, not only once, but three times! The church that I go to, ICF (International Christian fellowship), had a big Thanksgiving dinner this past Sunday, which was delicious! We also had a time of giving thanks to God, and of course good fellowship. Then, on Wednesday, I had dinner with a friend and her family who is here visiting for Thanksgiving. Last night was also great...I had another traditional Thanksgiving meal with a few other missionary families. It was such a nice time of fellowship and playing games!

I feel so blessed that I had the opportunity, as a missionary, to celebrate this season of thanks with so many other Americans. I know that there are plenty of missionaries around the world that are in remote places and don't have the kind of options that I did for celebration.

For the sake of tradition, I'm going to share one thing that I am thankful for.
This Thanksgiving, I am especially thankful for God's promises that we, as His children, don't have to worry. I tend to worry constantly, and am incredibly anxious about a lot of decisions, and just my life in general. I am learning more and more that life is so much more enjoyable when I just give it all up to Him! I know, it sounds like something I should have known, right? Well, I did know it, but it takes an incredible amount of faith to actually do it! It's so scary, but at the same time very exciting!
I'm looking forward to seeing what the Lord has planned for me once I get back to the States-how my time here will shape my thinking and what my future holds.

I once again THANK YOU for all your prayers, love, and support! I would have never made it this far without them!

Love,
Rachel

Just an Update...

So I thought that it might be a good idea to update everyone on how I've been doing, and the work I've been doing at the school!

My time at the school is going well.
The school is split up into two sections. There's the school area (for the higher functioning kids) and the early intervention area (this is also where children who are severely impaired are). I've been spending the majority of my time in the school area. This is mostly due to the fact that the moms stay with the kids who are in the early intervention area, so it doesn't feel like there's as much that I can do to help there.
It's been going pretty well. It's very tricky and frustrating that I can't speak to the kids very well. I feel so lost on some days, because it's like I've completely lost my voice.
When the kids get there in the morning, they sing and do some sign language work. Then, they go to the class area and do crafts, homework, fine motor skill work, and things like flashcards to learn animals, flowers, etc. I just help out wherever I'm needed. They also have a computer program that they do dictations with.
A week ago, Jackie, another American who was working at the school, left after being there for one month. She is a professor at a college in Massachusetts and does Occupational Therapy/Physical Therapy. I really enjoyed having her there! It was really nice to speak English, and I really learned a lot from her!
I am now 'in charge' of doing a side lying board for kids who are severely impaired. Basically, most of these kids spend all of their time (literally!) on their backs, and some of them are developing severe scoliosis because of the positions that they are in all the time. This board is so that they get time to lay on their side, and while they're lying there, I do sensory stimulation. Some of the kids don't even realize what their hands can do...so I rub things with different textures over their hands, arms, and faces. It's interesting to see the different reactions based on the child!
Per Jackie's suggestion, we also started a store...which I am also in charge of! Basically, we went to the market and bought a bunch of trinkets that we're selling to the kids. They earn tickets based on their academic/behavioral performance over a week's time. Each ticket is worth 1 cordoba. They come to me with their tickets, and I give them the number of cordobas that corresponds with the tickets. They can then purchase things based on how much money they have. It's nice for them to have experience working with money, and get a reward for doing well on their school work! They love it too!
I just found out today that I will be working with a kid on Friday afternoons being his 'aide'. He's new to the program, and they aren't really sure what to do with him sometimes-his reactions to certain situations need to be re-directed. So, they're hoping that maybe having someone work one on one with him will help...so I'm going to give it a try, and have some ideas of what could be done to make both his experience, as well as the teachers', be better, especially since he only comes once a week!
That's pretty much what's been going on at the school. Outside of school, I've been hanging out with some other missionaries down here--trying to get connected! It's the one thing that's especially hard about living with a host family. I'm kind of disconnected from other Americans. I'm also hoping to take a general Bible class for the rest of my time here, so that I have something to occupy my nights, and it will definitely be good for me in many other ways!
Thanks SO much for the love and support! I SO appreciate it!
Love,
Rachel

A Mother's Love

You’ve all heard the analogies and the poems expressing the love that a mother has for her child. It’s true. The love that is shown by a mother to her children is inexpressible and true. I’ve always known that. I have a mother that shows that kind of forgiving love to me.
I've never seen a mother's love as amplified as I have seen it here. You know that children with special needs have a hard time in the States being accepted and loved by society, and sometimes, even their own families. All the mothers that I have met and observed here have a love for their child with special needs that melts my heart. It humbles me and amazes me.
They are so poor, some living in tiny houses made of scrap metal and wood, doing everything they can just to survive. Despite their circumstances, despite the trials that they face every day, they love their children, especially their child with special needs. It would be easy for them to hand them off to an orphanage, abandon them. Their lives are challenging, their stories heartbreaking, their children precious. Yet still they press on and love with all they are.
Like I said, we think that some children have it bad in the States, and some children do struggle in the States. Nothing compares to the struggles of a child with special needs here. It's drastic, real, and tragic. The mothers don't have lifts in their homes to move their child around the home, they don't have wheelchairs to get them around the neighborhood, they don't have handicap accessible vans, and they don't have houses considered adequate for occupying a person with special needs.
These mothers carry around their children everywhere, no matter how big they are. They have no choice. You should see some of the kids at the school. It's not that they're big-most of them are as thin as a rail. They are just long and with the way that their bodies are because of their disabilities, it's not always easy to pick them up and keep a good grasp on them. If you've ever worked with a person with a severe disability, such as severe Cerebral Palsy, you know what I'm talking about.
As I was talking to another person at the school today (who's American), we were discussing this very thing. How long are these mothers going to be able to do this? Their backs eventually aren't going to let them, and they're going to have severe problems when they keep lifting their children despite their pain. They do it despite their pain.
They love tirelessly, smile despite their circumstances, and what do I get out of it?
A challenge! What if I loved like that? No matter how much pain (physical or otherwise) it causes me, to love my enemies, and not only my enemies, but everyone around me.
When my body or my mind says "I can't take it anymore!", I press on and keep on loving!
So much easier said than done, but a good challenge none the less.

Thanks so much for reading...love you all!
Rachel

I Give You Control

I thought that it was probably time for an update, seeing as I've been living here for close to a month now.
I've been completely overwhelmed the last couple of weeks--first of all, at the faithfulness of God as I go through this transition, and second, at the support and love I have received from all of you back home!
This is a transition that has been really difficult for me. It's hard-and thrilling!-to be in a new culture where English is not the main language. I really struggle with Spanish, but I'm getting better at understanding what other people are saying. Here's the problem: I can't ever seem to come up with a response, I flounder. Ugh, it's so frustrating. Hopefully it will continue to get better though.
It's really hard to hold some of the kids at the school that can comprehend information not knowing what to say to them because they obviously only understand Spanish.
Today was fun, though. I sat with a little girl for probably 1/2 hour. We were alone, and I didn't really know what to say, so we just smiled and giggled at each other. :) This is the same little girl who came up to me on Monday and hugged my leg for 5 minutes just looking up at me and laughing. She's a cutie.
Mostly I've been overwhelmed at the poverty that's here. It's incredible, really. There are mothers here that have two children or more, and they're only 19 or 20 years old. I can't even begin to comprehend having 2 little ones running around when I don't even have enough money to support myself. It's sad, and something that can't be fully understood until you see it for yourself.
I just think about how incredibly blessed I am to live where I do in Nicaragua. There are houses that are made of wood and scrap metal all around, but I live in a house where there are separate rooms, and a roof that keeps the rain out-and it rains here, A LOT!
Then, I think about the conditions I am living in compared to the houses that I see in the States. First of all, there is no air conditioning here, and it's always 90 degrees or hotter. The electricity goes out at least once a day here. There are no dryers here...clothes are dried outside on a line. These are just a few examples of how blessed you all are in the States! I knew that I was blessed when I was living in Michigan, but, like I said, it's not a concept that can be fully grasped until you are thrown in the middle of an impoverished nation.
Last week, I went with a work team that was here from Ohio to do some house visits to a few of the kids that are in the program at Tesoros de Dios. The conditions that some of these children live in are so sad, and they have to care for a child with special needs in these conditions. It makes me think of my house and how blessed we are to be able to take care of Megan in such a nice house.
One of the children was in the hospital with pneumonia, so we went to the public hospital to go visit him. This was a major reality check for me. People do live like this, like I see in pictures. I need to see it firsthand to really believe it. I look at pictures and think, people don't really live like this, do they? Of course I know that they do, it's just that I'm so used to the comforts of the U.S. that I don't really take the time to think about how hard it must be.
There aren't any Butterworth Hospitals here. Private rooms? Unheard of (at least in the public hospitals...I can't speak for the private hospitals). The room that this little boy was in probably had 20-30 children's beds in it. There were no recliners or couches for the families to sit on-just one plastic chair so that the mother could be with the child. When I think about it, it makes me angry that we spend so much time planning/building hospitals and homes that are so luxurious and elaborate? Do we really need all those things? NO! It's so frustrating to me now that I've seen poverty firsthand.
But, the Lord is working in Nicaragua! I see Him in the beauty of the country, the beauty of the people, and the beauty of the children! It's amazing to think about when the people here have so little, yet they offer everything they have to the Lord. The church I go to on Saturday and Sunday nights is a really good example of this. The praise and worship is really cool, because the people there sing so loud. They don't care how loud they are, or if they might be off key, they just think about praising the Lord! Now, I think we can learn a thing or two from them! We often let self-consciousness and worry about whether we sound good or not get in the way of our time with God. It's kind of ridiculous, isn't it? I mean, if everyone is together for the same reason, why should we care how someone sounds when they sing, or if they pray out loud? We're all here for the same reason....to praise our Creator!
I know, I know, I feel kind of like a hypocrite when I say this, because I struggle with it too. It's something that I'm working on, and something that I'm willing to admit I struggle with.
So, here's a challenge for you--next time you go to church, or in your personal time with the Lord--don't think about how loud you're being when you sing or pray, just SING and PRAY! Praise our Father in Heaven who loves us, created us, and gave His life for us!

Prayer requests:
1) That I would be open to God's will
2) Prayers for the people of Nicaragua
3) For a revival! The world needs the Lord!

Never Underestimate my Jesus

So, I have been living in Managua for a little over a week now. Last week was a hard week, as I was pretty homesick the first couple of days, and Michelle (my supervisor, and the director of the school where I'm working) left the day after I got there. She's still not back yet, and I feel kind of lost with things at the school-how things work, etc.
Another thing that has been hard is learning Spanish. I'm not one of those people that just instantly learn something, especially a new language. I am finding that I understand and comprehend a lot more than I am able to respond. I have a really hard time coming up with the correct responses, so that is really frustrating!
The homesickness is a lot better though! Of course I miss my family, and fall time in Michigan, and all the normal things that I would be doing right now, but I'm feeling better about being here.
God has been revealing Himself to me in ways that I never thought possible. I am finding out SO much about myself. This has been an amazing week of soul searching and pleading with God to show me what to do.
Although it's been a struggle, I am adapting to Nicaraguan life-I'm eating lots of rice/beans, it's hot here (no AC!--count your blessings!), and I carry an umbrella with me wherever I go, as I never know when it will start to rain.
I haven't actually started working at the school yet, because Michelle is gone, and it's complicated for me to figure things out when no one else at Tesoros speaks English. She'll be back this Thursday, so I'm hoping to begin working at the school either Thurs. or Fri., which will be a good way to spend my afternoons.
I'm so thankful that I have all of you supporting me in prayer--I can definitely feel the prayers and I need them right now!
He's already revealing His plan to me--which is incredible to experience, and scary!
Please pray that the Lord will show me what to do with the experiences I encounter, that I will be a blessing, that I will be blessed by the people here, and that I will find complete peace in His plan.
Thanks for all your support, and I love each and every one of you!
Love,
Rachel

He is faithful, always faithful

You know what has been such a comfort to me in these past few weeks?
He hears us when we call!!
How amazing is that? The Creator of the Universe hears everything we say to Him!
Shortly after my last blog post, I was very frustrated with how my fundraising process was going. I felt like I had hit a cement wall in the process, and I had no idea how I was going to come up with the rest of the money. I started crying out to God, wondering if maybe, just maybe, He was trying to tell me something. Am I really supposed to be going to Nicaragua? Did He have some other plan for my life? I spent many hours of the night in tears, questioning whether I was hearing Him correctly, and listening for what He would reveal to me.
Well, guess what? He heard my cries! In about 2 weeks, I raised over half of my money!!!
I was so amazed, stunned, and humbled at the faithfulness of God and His people!
I know for sure that Nicaragua is where the Lord wants me, and this served as a definite reminder.
In my hours of doubt and fear, He showed me His neverending faithfulness to those that trust in Him.
"Your love O Lord, reaches to the heavens. Your faithfulness stretches to the skies." (Psalm 36:5)
I find that in my hardest times, I cling to Him the most. I think this is natural for most people. We tend to forget about God when things are going good, and you know why? We feel that there is nothing we need to ask for. We forget that we still need His grace every day to give us the kindness and love to show and tell others about His love. We need to praise Him in the good and the bad times, and we need to call on Him in the good and bad times. Although the praises and petitions that we bring to Him may change on a daily basis, the one thing that should remain constant in our prayers is that He will give us the grace to get through the day living the way He wants us to.
I've had my share of struggles and pain, as most have. I have hit rock bottom, and it is not a fun place to be. When I was at my lowest point, I felt that I didn't need God-I could handle my problems on my own. We were all created with a hole inside of us, a hole that only God can fill. If we don't fully rely on God to get us through each day, then there's something missing. We can't put anything else in that hole-drug addiction, alcoholism, abusive behavior, self injury, NOTHING. Only God belongs there, and when that hole is filled, our lives are complete.
We need not do anything else in our lives than live for Him alone.

If you would like to hear my testimony about how God has rescued me, I would LOVE to share it with you...just let me know! :)

Also, there are only 11 days before I leave, please pray that I will not be anxious, and that I will have safe travels there and not get too homesick!
Thanks!
Love,
Rachel

"My heart is changed within me; all my compassion is aroused." -Hosea 11:8

It's official folks! I'm leaving Chicago for Managua, Nicaragua on Monday, August 30! :)
I will be returning on the 22nd of December...and my dad reminds me that this is now less than 25 weeks away. Nice.

Now comes the time where I freak out. My emotions are all over the place. One minute I'm scared to death of going to a foreign country all by myself, the next minute I'm incredibly excited for what God has in store for me, and the next I'm wondering what in the world God was thinking when He first instilled a passion for missions in my heart. You get the point. I'm emotional, some would argue to the point of insanity. But, I think this is where God wants me. I'm scared of totally trusting in Him, but know that this is the only way that I will be successful in the ultimate mission-bringing His love to the people of the world without holding back.

Here's another thing I'm scared of-falling completely in love with missions. Yes, I've already started falling in love with missions, particularly in the area of ministering to those with special needs. The fact that I have absolutely no idea what total reliance on God means is scary to me. I feel like I'm hanging on to Him with all I have within me right now, but know that's not true. I'm holding back more than I'd like to admit. I'm sure that this will become very evident as I follow His call to the mission field. God is preparing my heart, though. I'm so unbelievably excited to see what God is going to do through me when I get to Nicaragua, and am praying that He will give me the confirmation I need, no matter what that is. As long as I'm doing what He wants, and doing it in His time, then I have to trust that everything will work out. It's not about what I want, it's about what He wants! I want to want a lot of the "normal" things in life right now-college, relationships, etc-but living a life that glorifies God is so much more important, and a lot more rewarding in the end, no matter how crazy the rest of the world thinks I am.

The Lord is changing my heart. Enough said.

Prayer Requests:
-That God will reveal His will to me clearly
-That I won't experience much homesickness/culture shock
-Safe travels

Thanks! I am so thankful for and love each and every one of you! :)

Love,
Rachel

Done

Here I am, a high school graduate. An alumni of Byron Center Charter. Is it weird? Well, yes, of course it is. School is all I've ever known. Knowing that I'm not obligated to go back to school is strange. Is it everything I thought it would be? Yes, but much more emotional than I ever imagined. Next week, one of my closest friends that I've known since I was five is leaving for Virginia, and it's kind of a reality check, a slap in the face, if you will. We're grown up-adults-going into the big, bad world as individuals, doing whatever we feel passionate for. It's so strange, and with it comes a whole bunch of emotions.

Lately I've been struggling with all of these emotions which have overcome me since the end of high school. All of my friends are going off to college somewhere to pursue their passions, and here I am, leaving for 4 months to a country that I know very little about. I'm having doubts, fears, trouble sleeping, and most of all, the realization that it's coming sooner than I'd like (to be completely honest).

What do I do when these feelings come? Well, I realize that I'm leaning on God more than I ever thought possible, and know that I will do a ton more leaning on Him while I'm down there. I also know that the doubts and fears about myself that I'm having are not godly at all. They are of the devil. He's trying to convince me that Nicaragua is not where I'm supposed to be, and that I won't be good at it. Then, I remember that God laid this on my heart for a reason. The full reason I'm not sure of yet, but I definitely know that I will be blessed at the very least. God has been so good to me. It's hard to imagine myself going to a foreign country with foreign customs, language, and culture. But, I know that if I go fully relying on God, I will not be let down. Yes, there will still be times of fear, pain, and homesickness, but God will get me through it.

I'm clinging to God with all I have in me.

Your Love is a Song

First of all, Happy Mothers Day to all the mothers out there! I am so blessed to have an amazing mother and grandmothers! :)

Second, I have some updates on Nicaragua! I have a date! I am going to be there by the 28th of August for training at the Nehemiah Center. So, I'm planning on leaving from Grand Rapids on the 26th of August!!!! I considered staying through Christmas, but decided that I will be coming back on the 23rd of December, after Tesoros de Dios(the school where I'll be working) closes for the holidays. I am super excited to finally have dates! It was a little uncertain for a while whether I'd actually be leaving in August or the middle of September. For the first 3 weeks that I'm there, I will be in language school with other Americans, which will be really good for me. This is mostly due to the fact that the director at Tesoros de Dios will be gone, and because of Nicaraguan holidays, so there won't be much school going on in those 3 weeks. I start working at Tesoros de Dios on the 20th of September, and will continue through the 23rd of December. It sounds like I will be working both as a special needs assistant, and a therapy assistant part of the time. I'm really excited, because they have equine therapy there (horses)! I loved watching Megan go horseback riding when she was younger, so I'm really glad for this opportunity!!

Thirdly, I only have 2.5 weeks left of high school...eeeeek! I'm really excited, yet scared. I have dreamed of this ever since I was a freshman, and now that it's almost here, I can honestly say that I'm scared to death. It's an end to a chapter that I truly enjoyed. I had so many hard times, but a ton of great times as well. I had so many great opportunities, and will be sad to see some of them go, such as leading Bible Study and being on Yearbook. I hope that these opportunities will be able to continue while I'm at Kuyper. Oh yeah...by the way...I'm going to Kuyper!!!!! I'm super excited about it, as I truly believe that this is where God wants me to be. I'm going to be in the Cross Cultural Studies program, as well as the Business Administration minor, in hopes of eventually starting my own Christian organization that ministers to special needs kids in third world countries. I'm really excited about where God has led me, even though it was to a totally different place than where I thought! So that's where my life is at right now, and I'm in a very happy place! :) :)

"Oh, Your love is a symphony, all around me, running through me. Oh, Your love is a melody, underneath me, running to me. Oh, Your love is a song. " -Switchfoot (Your Love is a Song)

Head Over Heels In LOVE!

Last week, the juniors and seniors at my school had the opportunity to go to Washington, D.C. for Spring Break. I was one of the 6 seniors that went. It was an amazing time! Although we did travel all through the night and go right into sight seeing, we still managed to have a good time. The last time that I was in D.C., my grandpa was with us as a family. Seeing all the memorials, especially the WWII Memorial managed to pry open some old wounds. But, I made it through and stayed close to God, knowing that if I wavered, I would end up in a deep depression again, which I did not want to experience. Each morning, I woke up early to do my devotions so I could start my day out with a blessing, knowing that God would be with me throughout the day.

Well, one night we got back to the hotel early, so I decided to do another devotion time. I'll tell ya right now that I'm so glad that I did. God spoke to me SO much through that devotion time. I just couldn't get enough of His Word. I was reading in 1 Corinthians, as well as a few other places, about love and the love that He has for us. It was in those verses, and in those moments of reflecting on His love that I knew where I wanted to be, and what to do with my life. It served as yet another confirmation that there are WAY too many children out there in the world that don't know the love of Jesus, and they need that love! God has been SO good to me throughout these last couple months of struggling with my future. Ever since that night, I have fallen head over heels in love with God! It's so amazing, and I've never felt this way before! I suppose it could be compared to being in love with someone here on earth. Your heart races, shivers down the spine, etc. I have those same feelings...with the Creator of the Universe!!! How amazing is that? That He would love me so much to give His only Son to die on the cross for me?
I love being in love [in it's purest form]!!! :)

"More than my next breath, more than life or death. All I'm reaching for, I live my life to know You more. I leave it all behind, You're all that satisfies. To know You is to want to know You more!" -Casting Crowns-

A Concert Really CAN Change Your Life :)

Okay, so you'll remember last week's post, where I voiced my struggles and concerns about the future and what God had in His divine plan for me. Well, God is amazing! He did something SO cool this week...here's the story:

I've been praying fervently for God to show me what His plan is for my life, and how He'll use me. He definitely answered that prayer in a very clear way this past week. On Thursday, March 25, the Winter Jam tour was in Grand Rapids. This was my second year going, because I absolutely loved it last year and the lineup was amazing this year. I went to this concert seeking God, because I always feel so close to God when I'm worshiping through music. This year's tour was especially cool. The whole theme of their tour, and a lot of the verses the musicians referred to in their messages/testimonies were about missions and changing the lives of others through the love of Jesus. Well, I thought that was pretty cool, because it related so much to my life.

The speaker was Tony Nolan (who is an amazing and powerful preacher). He told his story of redemption through God's love, which gives me chills. Then, later on in the concert, he told his story of adoption and how it has changed his life. He brought out his little girl, who he adopted last August. Well, guess what? Not only was she the most adorable little girl, but she also has special needs. Right then, I just wanted to start crying. It was the most amazing feeling ever, and I'm not really sure that I can explain it. I knew that this was God's way of telling me that special needs missions was right where I needed to be. The ridiculously powerful sense of peace that I felt right after he shared his testimony was so amazing, and I was pretty emotional.

I'll tell you this right now, I have never felt SO CLOSE to God in a room of thousands. I have never felt His hands holding me like I did right then. I've never felt like dropping to my knees and praising Him as much as I did then. The Holy Spirit is POWERFUL! The rest of the concert was just amazing. Like I said, I've never felt so close to God. It was simply the most amazing concert I've ever been to, because that night changed everything for me. I'm not worrying about what's to come, because I know where God wants me to be. I'm not worrying about anything, because I know that God will supply my needs.

My Life as of 3.19.10

So, I know it hasn't been very long since I've posted...but a few things have changed.
I'm still going to Nicaragua, no worries there. :) I'm finding that I'm getting more and more excited. But, with more excitement comes more nervousness. That scares me a little bit. I don't like feeling nervous. I guess I'm trying to rely on God through all of this, and I know He is faithful and will provide, but the money figures scare the crap out of me. I'm not sure exactly how much it's going to cost yet, but I know it's not going to be cheap. All I can do right now is trust that He will provide like He always has.
I'm also having a hard time deciding on things for the summer. I need to have a job so I can pay for my trip to Nicaragua(at least some of it). I have 4 job offers on the table right now, 2 out of state, and 2 in state. I also have an interview tomorrow to care for a special needs girl and her brother in the early morning M-F during the summer. If I'm completely honest with myself, I want to stay in Michigan. Even though I know it would be good for me to get away, and I kind of want to, I know that will be happening in the late summer.
Here's the hardest part of my situation: What happens in January once I'm back?
Ever since I can remember, I've said that I want to be a special education teacher, and now I'm not so sure. I don't think teaching is where I want to be. I think God laid missions and working with special needs kids on my heart for a reason. I think that I want to study missions and special education so that I can work at some mission organization that ministers to those with special needs. This is hard for me to digest, because my answer to the question "What do you want to do with your life?" has always been the same answer "I want to study Special Education" Don't get me wrong, I definitely want to work with special needs kids, just in a different capacity than I always thought I wanted to.
I really want to go to Bethany College of Missions in Minnesota to get a Bachelor's degree in Missions, and maybe start my Special Education degree while I'm going there, or maybe once I get a job. Who knows. I just know that with my experience with special needs kids, and the way that I feel when I'm around them is no mistake. I can't put into words how I feel when I'm around special needs kids, especially those who are severely multiply impaired. When they make those achievements that seem so little to everyone else, and you see the smile and tears in a mother/teacher's eyes...I can't imagine ministering to anyone else. So many of them don't feel the love of Jesus...they feel the exact opposite. They feel left out and are often left to die in the streets of third world countries. I want to change that. I want to make them feel loved and have the love of Jesus in their hearts. I can't imagine doing anything different with my life than this.
So that's where I'm at right now with college/future plans. It's really hard to think about for me, but I'm leaning on Him, and He will get me through it.

Our Gift to God

"What we are is God's gift to us. What we become is our gift to God." -Eleanor Powell

I came across this quote a few months ago, and I thought it was so cool, and SO true. The reason we are here is because God put us here. He knit us together in our mother's womb, at just the right time, and in just the right place. Make no mistake people, we are here for a reason! Don't ever think that God made you by mistake; that you were born into the world at the wrong time, or that you have nothing to give to the world. God has given all of us special talents and gifts to give to the world. But, not only do we need to use these gifts in the world, we need to glorify Him while doing it. After all, He is the one who blessed us with families, friends, and a place to live. Why shouldn't we want to give all we have back to Him?

He has blessed us in SO many ways that we normally don't even think about. We have food, plenty of it, we have clean water, transportation, and homes to live in. Did you ever stop to think about the people that only get a meal a day(or less)? The people that have to walk miles just to get one bucket of clean water? The people that don't have access to clean water at all? The people that have to walk everywhere, no matter the distance? The people that sleep on the streets, risking being kidnapped by rebel armies? Most people don't, but YOU can make a difference. YOU can use the gifts and talents that God has given you to bless the world, to make it a better place. You can use your gifts to give people hope by shining His light. Remember that song you sang when you were little? "This little light of mine...I'm gonna let it shine!"
Get out in the world and let your light shine for God!

Open Hands

I'm new to this whole blog thing, but I thought this would be a good idea to share my thoughts with people, and to update on what's going on regarding my plans for the fall and just life in general. So here goes.

So there's this song by Matt Papa called "Open Hands" Here's a little piece of the chorus:
"I lift my hands open wide, let the whole world see,
how you love, how you died, how you set me free,
free at last, I surrender all I am, with open hands."

This pretty much describes my life to a T right now, and has inspired the name of my blog.
As many of you know, I am planning on going to Nicaragua for 4 months starting in August. I will be working with special needs children down there as a special education classroom assistant. I know that these situations can change with conditions of the country, but for right now, I'm planning on it. This is why this song is so special to me. I've felt called to go into Special Education ever since I was a little girl. Megan has inspired me so much throughout my life, which is why I give so much of my time to working with special needs individuals. I love how they enjoy the simple things in life, things that we are often too busy to notice, or just don't appreciate.

Well, I still know that special education is my calling, but I also have a passion for missions. God kind of 'slapped me in the face' with it last summer when I was having doubts about special education teaching. I wasn't sure if teaching was where I should be. All of a sudden, I had this ridiculous passion for missions. I can't even explain it. It was so out of the blue and it kind of scared me at first. I ignored the longing for a little while, then I started to really consider making it a part of my life. But then there was a problem. How was I going to merge special education with missions? I'm not sure where this will lead me in terms of what I study in college, and how much I decide to focus on each aspect, but I know that right now is my time to serve those overseas with special needs. It's a little scary, because most kids my age will be heading off to college, while I travel all by myself to a foreign country. This is where the song comes in.

"To give unselfishly, to love the least of these...Jesus I'm learning how to live with open hands"
Learning is such a great word here. I'm simply learning right now. The concept of being away from home for 4 months, and living in a completely different culture scares me. But, I'm learning how to give my life unselfishly, and "to love the least of these" I think that, once I'm down there, it won't be so hard. Yes, I'll still be learning, but I'll have a whole new perspective on love and living unselfishly. You see, we're so selfish here. We don't always like to admit it, but we are. Have you ever thought about how much food you waste? Throwing away something because it's 1 day past the expiration date? Kids in Nicaragua, or any other poor country, would be so thankful to have that food, and here we are, taking that simple blessing of having food in our houses for granted. It's things like this that God is teaching me. I'm learning to be thankful for the things that I have, not to be selfish, and to love no matter what, especially when it's hard.

For now, learning is good. But, I can't wait to get down to Nicaragua and put my learning into real life situations. I can't wait to show the love of Christ to kids who are otherwise considered 'odd' or 'unwanted'. I can't wait to see what God has in store for me in Nicaragua, because I'm sure it's a lot more than what I'm aware of right now. I can't wait for Him to show me how to live with my hands even more open than they are now, because I know living with totally open hands will glorify Him, and what else do I need to do besides that?